One of the few criticisms of Game of Thrones is that it relies too much on gratuitous sex scenes. Considering that one of the main characters lays out his entire life story to two random whores who are having a practice fuck, the complaints seem reasonable (and book readers are very familiar with a character who is literally a stack of self-aware penises that gets introduced midway through Book 5). But some fans look at the franchise and decide that there isn’t nearly enough inappropriate boning. These special people write fan fiction that will make it impossible to ever read the books or watch the show again without feeling dirty in a way that can never be cleansed.
5 The Mare That Mounts the World
So why is Dany suddenly into horse boners, besides the fact that she’s going through puberty? Because the author decided that “The Dothraki have a ritual where the khaleesi has to mate with the khal’s stallion.” Why they have this ritual is unexplained, because like all good stories, we enter the scene as late as possible, which in this case is when the horse is about the enter the scene, if you know what I mean. (I call vaginas “scenes.”) This technique handily avoids answering the question of why Khal Drogo would want making love to his wife to feel like throwing a Dothraki black sausage through the halls of the Grand Sept, and fuck, I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. At least it’s not as bad as these:
She gritted her teeth as the horse was slowly led inside her. It was so painful she thought she must be tearing. It burned so much and it took all her willpower not to cry out in pain. Dany tried to relax, her eyes still closed. Blood of the dragon, blood of the dragon, she kept thinking, and it helped. She was Daenerys Stormborn, of the house Targaryen, the blood of the old Valyria. She was blood of the dragon, and this was just a horse.
Like many classic fantasies, our humble hero encounters a seemingly insurmountable obstacle — in this case, an equine erection — but with great struggle and pain learns to master her hidden talents and overcome it, pun unfortunately intended.
“Fire and blood! Fire and blood! Fire and blood!” Yes! she thought, it is not the horse that fucks the dragon. It is the dragon that fucks the horse! “Fire and bloooooood!!!!!” Her screams rose above the murmur of the Dothraki as she came and she felt triumphant sliding away from the huge cock and into the loving arms of her sun and stars.
Her orgasm is so powerful that it kills the horse, thus fulfilling an ancient Dothraki prophecy. All the Dothraki who didn’t sneak off to masturbate bow down to her in awe, for she is the Mare That Mounts the World. Which, not going to lie, sounds like pretty much the worst title ever. Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons and Fucker of Horses, doesn’t strike fear into my heart, at least not in the sense she’d be going for.
4 Everyone Has a Summer
It’s hard to remember after all the death and destruction, but at the very beginning of Game of Thrones, life in Winterfell was idyllic for the Stark family. Everyone Has a Summer looks back fondly on those halcyon days. And then adds some incest, because you can’t masturbate to cherished family memories.
Our story begins with Jon Snow sneaking off to a forest pond to polish the ol’ sword, so go ahead and take a few minutes to imagine Kit Harrington masturbating.
But before Jon can finish scaling the wall, Arya interrupts him. She wants to join him for a swim, oblivious to the meaning of his sausage wrangling. But just when Jon thinks he’ll avoid an awkward moment, out come the questions.
“I always see you by the pool, or in the pool, with it big on your hand.” “When I saw you today, I wanted to ask you what’s so fun in shaking your thing like that. It looks so silly to me. You are always making funny noises when you do it.
“You know nothing, Arya Stark.”
This may sound like a couple of kids playing doctor, but keep in mind that Jon is a teenager, while Arya is, depending on whether your source is the show or the books, either too damn young or way too damn young to be getting the crows and the bees talk from her older brother. At least we aren’t the only ones who realize that:
“Besides,” she said, “you’re not a boy. You’re my brother.”
She had said [that] as if being brother and sister made everything normal, instead of horrendous. It made him wonder if she even understood what they had done at the pool. He didn’t know what was worse — if she did understand, but was unfazed by their blood ties, or if she did not understand, but was lead on by his malicious subterfuge.
Faced with the knowledge that what he’s doing is wrong, Jon heroically fingers his sister. Their “experiments” get more and more explicit, and finally they go all the way before they part ways.
It’s crazy that this isn’t even close to the worst thing to happen to the Stark kids.
Now, I know you’re thinking that this is just another half-sibling statutory rape incest fic, the kind you’ve read dozens of. But it’s not pure smut — the author is invested in this relationship, and she wants us to be, too. The love between Jon Snow and his half-sister half his age is beautiful, and if seeing them forced to leave each other’s arms doesn’t make you tear up, you might be dead inside.
He hoped Needle made Arya know he would always love her. Skinny, scabbed-knees, tangled hair, smart, quick-witted, beautiful Arya — everything he would ever want.
The memory of her laughter, of her love, warmed him more than his furs on the way North.
This is truly a touching story of a girl who comes of age when she stumbles across her brother jerking off and demands that he touch her junk. You know, just like so many girls do.
3 Shadows in the Dark
One of the most common fan fiction pairings is Theon and Ramsay, aka Thramsay, because to some women, psychological torture plus genital mutilation equals sploosh, as long as the men involved are shirtless and have good abs. But considering that the fan fiction community once celebrated “Thramsay Week,” and also considering that I secretly hate all of you, a story about the love between a young man tortured to the brink of madness and the maniac who cut off his penis is just too humdrum.
What, did you think I was joking? It took place over Valentine’s Day.
With that in mind, let me set the scene. Late night, a darkened bedroom. A naked Ramsay, cruel smirk on his face, slips inside. His member is already hard at the thought of the perversions he’s going to enjoy. Quietly, ever so quietly, he sneaks to the side of the bed, leans over, and … grabs his dad’s dick.
Aww yeah. It’s time for some evil bastard son/evil traitor dad incest. Ladies, try to control yourselves.
“Wait, what? This isn’t in my … oh, fuck. This is revenge for the wedding, isn’t it?”
Roose Bolton, as you will recall, helped arrange the murder of Robb Stark, while here he’s an accomplice to the murder of the reader’s libido. I think we both know what the greater crime is.
He forces Ramsay around, his hands now gripping his bastard’s hips. He hates how well they fit in his hands, how they’re the right mixture of thick meat and hard bone to fit in his long cold fingers.
“Disgusting … Like your mother …”
He whispers it in Ramsay’s ear as he enters him. Ramsay tightens around his cock and a something like a laugh comes out of him.
And something like a vomit comes out of you.
Bolton resists at first, but eventually the Roose is set loose for what the author tries to make us think are complex psychological reasons even though we already knows the truth, which is that we couldn’t have this brain bleach of a scene if he stabbed his son in a much more literal sense.
And so Roose Bolton violently sodomizes his bastard next to his sleeping wife, and … ugh, you know what? Let’s switch over to the Spanish translation, Sombras en la Oscuridad. It will disguise the horror, although the fact that someone read this and inexplicably decided that another culture needed to be exposed to it is terrifying in its own right.
Cuando vuelve en si, la boca de Ramsay sangra y el se siente pegajoso de sudor y semen.
“Ay, ay, ay! Es Roose Bolton. Me ha molestado!”
Huh, so apparently the Spanish word for “semen” is “semen.” Well, that backfired. I’ll leave you to speculate as to whose semen it is and where it’s been placed.
But again, don’t assume that this is nothing but porn. Because how could anything with a title as poetic as Shadows in the Dark not have moments of beauty?
Once Ramsay is gone, Roose cleans himself. He eventually falls asleep, his mind empty except for the sound of a river.
Damn. One moment it’s incest and violent sodomy. The next, Hemingway.
2 A Song of Lust and Desire
One of the best things about being part of the book-reading master race is that you know all sorts of spoilers and theories that TV viewers aren’t familiar with, like R+L=J and the big twist where Ser Pounce kills one of the dragons. But even us literati were taken aback when we learned that the White Walkers reproduce by taking human babies and turning them into their own kind by exposing them to camera angles from Breaking Bad. With that in mind, A Song of Lust and Desire is equal parts prophetic and pathetic.
The story’s an alternate take on the franchise’s opening scene. In George R.R. Martin’s version, three men of the Night’s Watch come across otherworldly monsters who kill two of them and drive the third one insane. In this fanfic, we see subtle but distinct differences. Can you spot them?
A dozen pale-skinned and boney creatures watched on with … what Will swore was lust in their icy blue eyes. With horror, Will noticed that some of them had loosened their armors and were caressing breasts the size of small melons, or had their hand between their legs.
“Whoo! Make out!”
That’s right, baby — these White Walkers may be ice cold, but they’re still hot! One challenges a soldier to a duel that inexplicably gives him an erection, which the rest observe with great … enthusiasm. The walker disarms her opponent, who she immediately pins down and fucks. He enjoys getting taken advantage of by an ice monster so much that he barely continues to put up a fight. Men, am I right?
Ser Waymar Royce was conflicted. The c*nt of the Other was the tightest, wettest and strangely hottest of any he had sampled before, whores and highborns alike. Despite his weakening protests as the creature began to gyrate and bounce on top of him, an unwilling moan escaped his lips.
“You know, this is actually a really uncomfortable place to have sex.”
The other Others get so into it that it turns into an all-out orgy. But just when you think this might have a literal happy ending, it gets horrifying.
Ser Waymar Royce’s scream bore deep into Will’s soul. His arms were entirely frozen into blue unresponsive ice, and deathly blue color was spreading over the entirety of his body. The knight could feel his warmth being sucked from his entire body through his cock into the cunt of the Other, who wore an expression of pure bliss and victory.
The White Walker freezes him solid with her vagina, because death by sex is a running theme in the magical world of Game of Thrones fan fiction, and also my nightmares now. Staying true to the lore, the White Walkers raise the dead man to serve them as a wight. Only here, “serve” means “violently sodomize your former comrade to death.”
Apparently one of their supernatural powers is not having a refractory period.
Will rose. Ser Waymar Royce was already standing over him. His cock was rock hard, an icy dagger sticking straight from his lap. His eyes were open, an unnatural blue staring outward. The sword fell from Will’s suddenly useless fingers, and he turned to run before a strong hand grabbed his shoulders, stumbling as he is forced to bend over a nearby rock.
Actually, I’m kind of surprised HBO hasn’t filmed this yet.
1 Dreams of Nymeria
A few characters in Game of Thrones are “wargs,” which lets them take control of an animal’s mind and body. Bran Stark has controlled his dire wolf, and Dreams of Nymeria posits that the other Stark children have this ability as well. And so we begin with Robb Stark in a dream unlike any other:
A warm, pungent scent, like a cross between over-ripe figs and spoilt wine filled his nostrils, and all of Robb’s willpower was required to stop himself from turning south and bounding after the scent.
Spoiler alert: The enticing smell is wolf vagina. Do you happen to know much about wolf vaginas? Friend, you’re about to learn.
The vagina in question belongs to Nymeria, which astute fans will recognize as Arya’s dire wolf. The wolves, happy to be reunited, exchange sniffs and nuzzles. But like all familial relationships in Game of Thrones, this reunion is destined to become much more.
Robb knew there was more to this ritual than a typical canine greeting as his eyes scanned the wolf’s rump. If the scent wasn’t a dead give-away, Nymeria’s wet, swollen mound a mere foot from his nostrils was. She was in heat.
At first Robb resists the offer, but a lupine labia montage changes his mind.
“The masturbators send their regards.”
Robb’s eyes widened as the female dire wolf’s slick vulva neared. Nymeria’s lips were soft, grey skin, protruding almost an inch from between her legs. Her slit forked like a tree with two branches, and the base of the mound tapered to a pronounced point. Nymeria clenched and unclenched. He could feel the heat emanating from within.
The author spent more time researching wolf vulvas than I spent researching my term papers. Say what you will, but that shows serious dedication.
“Oh, it was my pleasure.”
Robb is an honorable man, so he doesn’t give in to mere lust. No, Robb getting queened by a wolf makes him realize that, as they are the only living dire wolves known to the world, he has to help them reproduce. Not because he desires it, but because it is his duty to keep the bloodline pure.
So he tongues her a little and then they do it.
… soon Robb’s throbbing wolf cock was several inches from her warm, waiting entrance. Robb could feel a thin rope of semen bridging the gap from his tip to her mound.
“ALL HAIL THE KING OF THE (PETER) NORTH!”
At the risk of alienating a large portion of Cracked’s audience, I’m going to skip the hot and heavy dire wolf sex and get straight to the big plot twist. After they’re finished, the wolves have a moment of intimate eye contact, prompting Robb to make a sudden realization.
Nymeria’s glances and mannerisms reminded Robb strongly of his sister, Arya. Old Gods forbid! Had his 11-year-old sister been riding Nymeria at the same time Robb had been riding … Nymeria?
The reader makes a sudden realization as well, namely that they were just tricked into reading a story of underage incest by dire wolf mind control proxy. And then Maisie Williams, like the character she plays, adds the author of this story to the list of names she has to kill.
“They’re letting me keep the sword. I made sure it was in my contract.”